An Ode To Richard Simmons

It's time to give him some love and respect

The only things that are keeping me going right now are these ridiculously expensive sour blueberry Swedish fish, the fact that someone unsubscribed from this newsletter because they found the writing “a bit too young,” marking what is presumably the last time in my life I will be affiliated with ANYTHING “too young” for anyone, and an appearance from Richard Simmons on a 2003 episode of “Who’s Line Is It Anyway?”

How did we get here? Well, as you may know, there is a Richard Simmons biopic in the works and the original fitness influencer himself is set to be played by “the [former?] Weasel,” Pauly Shore. I have mixed feelings about this. I’ve always enjoyed Richard Simmons. As a child watching daytime TV, his sudden jumping, yelling, spangled appearances would serve as a welcome break from whatever boring daytime talk show was standing between me and “The Price Is Right.” He was sort of child-like and always kind and encouraging, and told people he liked them and wanted them to be happy, a bit like a loud, hyper Mr. Rogers.

Pauly Shore, on the other hand, showed up on MTV as I was starting high school and was just always there right up until I started college. He was one of the first examples I remember of someone completely stepping away from the Video Jockey role of presenting, well, music videos, in order to center their self and, in Shore’s case, his tiresome, self-congratulatory sleazy California dude schtick, all “hey Buuuuuddddddyyyyy,” viscose scarves, and tiny purple mirrored sunglasses. He was everywhere and we were supposed to like it. He was also a total nepo baby — his mother Mitzi Shore founded Los Angeles’s Comedy Store club. An MTV exec claimed in a 1992 Rolling Stone article, “Women love him, because he’s like a cartoon character … He doesn’t do it like Andrew Dice Clay does it when he is humiliating and degrading to women. Pauly may use terms that are controversial [nugs, cones, pieces], but he’s just calling them girls. He’s a horny teenager, and he’s not afraid to admit it.” In that same article, a woman appearing in one of his many inane MTV specials noted that he was a “cheesy motherfucker” who had “grabbed her boob” without permission and proclaimed “The only thing that makes him lovable…is that he’s on MTV.” I don’t know if this is particularly inspired casting. Unlike Richard Simmons, Pauly Shore was eventually thoroughly rejected by the general public. He made a movie about it and maybe it’s funny, but I don’t know or care.

I was dicking around on YouTube a few weeks ago and came across a short film called The Court Jester, apparently serving as a teaser for the upcoming biopic. It’s…fine? Pauly Shore is less annoying that he’s ever been with his passable, seemingly affectionate Richard Simmons impersonation. However, the iconic Dolfin shorts are too baggy and worse yet there’s still some Weas sneaking through. Just a hint of Weas. He’s also not making it at all gay, which, on one hand let’s thank goodness because we don’t need that from Pauly Shore, but Richard Simmons is an important and iconic queer elder. As much as I love the terrible wig worn by Tamra Brown as Ellen in The Court Jester, compare the short to an actual appearance Simmons made on Ellen in 2003 in which he literally announces that he’s “flammable” after kicking a shiny, bare leg into the air to wild applause from the audience.

This brings us to my current reason for getting up in the morning and carrying on. Three months before his stint on Ellen, Simmons appeared on “Whose Line Is It Anyway” in what YouTube user DJMichaelAngelo called “the funniest 6 minutes of comedy you’ll ever see.” Indeed, from the moment Simmons runs out and takes to the stage, everyone is entirely onboard and ready to follow Richard anywhere. He proceeds to play a game entitled “Living Scenery” in which the players take turns acting as props within a scene. “I’ll be all the props for these men!” yells Simmons lasciviously. Within seconds of his opening portrayal of a coin-guzzling pair of tower binoculars, the audience, host Drew Carey, and co-stars Ryan Stiles, Colin Mochrie, and Wayne Brady are completely beside themselves. Simmons bawdily mugs his way through the bit, at one point passionately taking future pansexuality icon Wayne Brady into his arms as they pretend to be trees bound together as a raft, winking and making the “ok” sign at the shrieking audience.

No one is making fun of Simmons, which is SHOCKING for 2003 — they are celebrating his entire deal and following his lead. Some of the audience members are actually hopping up and down in mirth, which I don’t think I’ve ever seen before? It’s just a wonderful way to spend six and a half minutes.

Simmons is apparently unhappy with the upcoming biopic, noting he gave no permission for this to happen. This reminds me of Pamela Anderson’s objection to Pam & Tommy and I only hope it inspires Simmons to tell his own story, as Pammy was inspired to do with her book Love, Pamela: A Memoir of Poetry, Peace, and Truth. As of this writing, Richard Simmons has been almost entirely out of the public eye for a decade now. He does regularly post on Facebook, recently writing:

“Hi Everybody!

I wanted you all to know that I am fine and I am happy. I have had a lot of people ask me for interviews. But right now I don’t want to do them. It is a gray and rainy day here in Los Angeles, but my heart is filled with your kindness towards me.

Love,
Richard

Maybe he’s simply retired — maybe he’s sick of entertaining people and wants some peace and quiet. I get it, Richard Simmons. Thanks for everything.

“Well you know, I do consider myself a clown and a court jester, and I do love to make people laugh, whether they’re laughing with me or at me. I just love what I do, and I’m a teacher more than anything. When the king gets depressed, he doesn’t call for his wife. He doesn’t call for the cook. He calls for the court jester.” - Richard Simmons, 2012, Men’s Health

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