Drugstore Cowgirl: "U" Versus "One"

It's Perfume Nite and we're doing reals versus fakes

Last week I was poking around Wal-Mart looking for some cheap perfume inspiration when I discovered that Designer Imposters still exist. They are still only around $3 each, and I (she/her, 40s) grabbed Confess, their version of Calvin Klein Obsession, and U, their version of CK One. I gave my friend Holly (she/her, 40s) a Calvin Klein sampler for her birthday last month; I convinced her to do a Perfume Nite with me during which we compared the real things with their designer imposters. Jeffrey (he/him, 40s) and Ello Menopee (using a pseudonym, they/them, 20s) joined us and this is the result. We started out with Confess and Obsession.

Holly: This smells like…older cool kids.

Ello Menopee: Baby powder? Wait…ok, let me set the scene. You’re on a cruise ship. You’re too young to drink. You walk by the kids’ center and there’s this mom and she seems fine. Her name’s probably Martha. She’s wearing SO MUCH of this. 

Karen: Which one, the real one or the fake one?

E: Both of them, together! Just Obsession on its own, she’s in cruise attire, probably a bathing suit and muumuu. She’s fine. (E then figured out that the fake was fake and the real was real.)

K: What’s the difference, as smelled by you?

E: The knockoff is like Hampton Beach -- you walk into a store and it’s beach themed but you’re already on the beach. There’s shells and a really cute cover up, but do you want to pay 30 bucks for it? Sometimes you have to! It just smells--I don’t know, not cheap, just kind of like suntan lotion.

Me: I think that might be orange blossom? [It was not.]

E: I’d wear the right arm one [the real one]. It’s spiiizy; not like spicy like chilli, like s-p-i-e-c-e-i-y, SPIECEIY!

(E has Jeffrey smell their arm, points out the real and fake and says of the real:)

E:  It’s better! 

Jeffrey: Yeah, yeah. Oaky.

E: YEAH, I get the oaky, and the spicy is nice, it’s like my foot’s asleep but it’s like spicy bits in my nose, you know?

K: Spicy is the first word that’s used in the description.

E: But I don’t mean spicy I mean SPIECEIY!

K: Noted, thank you for clarifying.

H: Ok, the REAL Obsession smells like…I know I said older cool kids before, but that’s not true. [It had probably been about 20 minutes since the first application, so it has dried down some.] This is like MOMS WITH JOBS.

K: Yes. Professional.

H: But it also smells like…expensive candles? In a way. Like those gorgeous “cashmere” scented candles. Really expensive. This reminds me of one of my rich friend’s houses and the candles that they burn. It’s extremely….it’s so full. It’s a whole, enveloping scent. It’s really, really nice. The fake one…smells a little cheap. Like car freshener. A little plastic-y, and I get what Ello said at one point about baby powder. It smells cheap.

K: And it’s much less complex.

H: This feels like I put on too much, and the fake one, I’m struggling to smell. It smells like a car on a shitty date.

K: It also doesn’t feel like it’s combined with my skin at all, like it’s sitting on top of it. The real one definitely doesn’t smell natural…

H: But it’s right.

K: Yeah, it’s blending into my skin in a way that isn’t offensive.

H: Right, and the fake one smells like it’s sitting on you. This is often the problem with Bath & Body Works--like it’s masking other things rather than working with you. There’s no integration.

K: Yeah, there’s definitely a top, middle, and bottom, which is not the case with the fake version. The notes for Obsession areas follows: for top notes we have citrus, green, vanilla, and peach.

H: That’s interesting, I don’t get that at all.

K: I don’t get the peach. I definitely get vanilla, but that’s also part of the bottom notes. I get a sort of almost bitter orange. 

H: This smells almost like how I imagine a fairy court smells. Gorgeous and woody and heady and there’s a fireplace somewhere, and there’s candles burning somewhere, but it’s old-fashioned wax, wax with tallow. A little bit of the smell of bodies, but not bad. There’s something alive in there. And mossy. 

K: There’s musk, sandalwood, and oakmoss, so that makes sense. There’s also some jasmine.

H: Oh, I get that jasmine.

K: I think the jasmine is what makes me not like it, a little. Jasmine is very sharp on me. I like the way jasmine smells but it goes weird on my skin.

H: I love it.

(Karen smells Holly)

K: Yeah, see, it’s not sharp on you. Do you smell that? (Offers her arm)

H: Oh yeah! It comes in first, whereas on my arm, the smoky bits hit first. Interesting!

K: Yeah, jasmine drowns other notes on me. There’s also cedar, which I think is the woodiness coming through, which I love, and rose. The base notes are amber, vanilla, musk, vetiver, which is very earthy…

H: Yes, I love vetiver!

K: Me too. And incense. I think this would be a perfect heavy scent for me without the jasmine. I wouldn’t normally wear it in the summer; it’s a winter scent for sure.

H: This is a thing I would wear to An Event, a cold weather event. I’m dressed nicely, I’m gonna have a martini, I’m going to pretend to be above my station in life, and I am wearing Obsession by Calvin Klein. 

H to E: Want to smell how different it smells on me?

E: (Smells Obsession on Holly’s arm) Oh, it smells like a sweet little gumdrop treat on you. (Smells Confess) You smell like [their grandmothers] without the cigarettes.

K: Let’s move on to CK One, which was incredibly popular in…well, I had a roommate who had it in 1995.

H: No, I think it was high school.

K: High school?!

J: No, it was later; it was when MTV was like “it’s for ALL GENDERS!” [It was probably “both genders”, considering the time period.]

H: Ok, you’re absolutely right, I’m thinking of United Colors of Benetton cologne, which was also marketed as “it’s for anyone!” It also smelled really fucking good.

K: It did! That was another very ‘80s perfume.

H: Yes, now that I’m smelling it, this was definitely post-high school.

J: (has applied the CK One) Oh my god. That smells fucking good as hell! It’s subtle though, right?

H: Yes, it’s so nice. 

K: We have a CK One fan! So CK One is the first perfume I remember as being marketed to quote, unquote “EVERYONE.”

H: For a man…or a woman!

J: The last perfume I remember buying before I stopped caring was when I was still in Oklahoma…I think it was Versace? Maybe Aqua Di Gio? 

K: Aqua Di Gio is Armani. A classic! Do you wear any sort of scent now?

J: No, because I’m usually at home! I don’t really see anyone! 

K: Well, I am too, but I wear a different scent pretty much every day. It’s something I’m interested in, it’s part of my routine.

J: Self care.

K: That’s right.

J: And also just a way to be a normal person. 

K: I try. So everyone loves the CK One, it sounds like?

E: On the record, I’m going to steal this sample. 

H: That’s not a sample, that’s my bottle. 

K: You can have the fake one?

E: ::Indicates the fake one:: It’s like going to Marshall’s versus going to Sephora and being like “oh, that’s what that is?” Even though Sephora is still not the greatest. 

J: Holly, for a record, I didn’t go to a strip club tonight, har har har! [Holly is his wife.] 

K: I feel like strippers would never wear CK One? 

E: I’ve never been to one, but if I went to a strip club and there was someone wearing CK One, I’d be like “you’re queer, what’s up?”

K: Exactly! Maybe it depends on the club. On me at this point, maybe an hour in to our experiment, the fake CK One, U, is more prominent on me than the real CK One. It mostly smells like alcohol and some sort of clean smell, but it’s actually nice. I like the fake CK One and I like the real one, whereas I do not like the fake Obsession. I wiped down the real Obsession with straight rubbing alcohol and I can still smell it, VERY strongly. It’s crazy. 

H: I can still smell it too.

E: The spice is so much better in the real one; it smells really good on me. 

K: It still smells sharp on me. 

E: I also like the CK One; it smells clean as hell. I also like Eternity; I wear it sometimes because my mother likes it.

H: That sounds very creepy out of context. [She is Ello’s mother.]

J: “Mother insists I wear this one! Otherwise she hates how I smell!” 

K: I had a bottle of Eternity, somehow, in high school and I liked it too. They had a very classy Christy Turlington and some children by the sea ad campaign. Very different from the Obsession campaign, which featured naked people on a swing and absolutely bonkers television ads that were basically their own SNL parody skits. 

H: The first thing I thought of when I smelled CK One were the fold-in perfume ads in magazines. 

K: Yes! 

E: The fake one smells like Vogue to me and that’s a scathing review. I had the Vogue with Lady Gaga on the cover and the magazine smelled like perfume. Not bad, but not for me. 

K: And Holly, are you specifically talking about ‘90s magazines?

H: Yeah, it really brought me back to that kind of generic beauty magazine smell where there would be so many perfume ads that they would all blend. Not in a bad walking past Abercrombie in the mall way, but in a way where you’re like “This smells aspirational.”

K: Yes, totally! 

H: “When I’m a fancy lady, when I’m 24, oh! So old! Fancy lady! I will smell like this.”

E: For the record, I’ve been waiting to be, like, 33 for my entire life.

K: It’s a good age! My association with CK One and magazines is…well, I really wanted a bottle of CK One in 1995 but I definitely couldn’t afford it. I had a roommate who had it that summer, who is still a very good friend of mine and a subscriber to Two Bossy Dames as well, hi Pilar! Anyway, she got a bottle of CK One from her mom in a birthday package and we lived with some other friends and we all just helped ourselves to CK One all summer long. After that, we all went back to school and I didn’t have access to it anymore, so I’d rip the CK One ads out of magazines and hoard them and then rub the paper on my pulse points on special occasions.

H: Yes, I had a whole stash of perfume ads! “Ooo, tonight I’m wearing CHANEL!” and rub the ad on my neck. Then whatever dumb boy was trying to kiss me would be like “You smell great,” and I’d be like “You smell like Peachtree!” 

K: I think CK One still smells relatively modern? 

H: Yeah, it does. 

K: But is that just us being old?

H: No. I think that’s what makes it a classic. It fits into the same category of something like Chanel No. 5, which always smells good. 

K: I can’t help but wonder if I think it smells modern because I’m like “the ‘90s are modern, of course!” even though they’re not. But E, you like it!

E: The ‘90s are modern.

K: I guess they have come back around. 

E: The people born in the ‘90s are now adults. 

::a discussion of Rolly Polly Olly ensues::

K: I do think it’s stupid to classify fragrances as masculine or feminine at this point, but there is a lot of tradition when it comes to perfume and it still happens. Jeffrey, I noticed you put on more CK One. Are you a fan?

J: Yeah, I love CK One! 

H: Good news, that’s my bottle of CK One and you can borrow it. 

K: Ok, the notes in CK One are as follows: top notes are bergamot, which I love.

E: I love bergamot! 

H: Me too, and bergamot is what gives Earl Gray tea its distinctive smell and taste.

K: Which is interesting because the description of CK One is “clean and contemporary with a refreshing green tea signature throughout, it is intended to be used lavishly.” I really like perfumes that have tea notes, but I don’t think they usually smell like actual tea. It’s more like the idea of tea. Green tea doesn’t actually have bergamot in it, that’s an Earl Gray thing, but I feel like that’s what they’re talking about when they talk about the green tea signature.

H: Green tea is SO herbaceous. 

K: Yes. The second top note is another herb, cardamom, followed by pineapple and papaya. I can sort of smell a tropical vibe, but I wouldn’t have noticed it without reading the notes.

H: I don’t smell pineapple but I maybe get papaya? Papaya is creamier.

K: I now can’t smell the real CK One at all.

H: Really? I can’t smell the fake one but I can still smell the real one. 

K: I can sort of smell the fake one but it’s just a vague fresh musk.

H: You smell like somebody else’s cologne; like as if there’s been some smooching. 

K: The mid notes are jasmine, my enemy, violet, which I can’t smell at all, rose, and nutmeg, which I can smell now that it’s been mentioned. 

H: I used to wear a violet oil that came in a rollerball for $3.95 that I bought at a bead store.

K: Bead stores were so good for that, for some reason! Lots of crossover between beads fans and rollerball oils fans. The end or base notes are musk and amber.

H: That totally tracks. I can still smell the Obsession, too.

K: Same, the Obsession is wild. It won’t be tamed.

H: Do you remember the cologne Stetson? It came in a cowboy boot, I think?

K: Yes.

H: My junior high crush wore Stetson and he smelled so good. 

K: There was Stetson at Wal-Mart today when I bought these Designer Imposters. There was also a bottle of ex-cla-ma-tion, of all things, but it cost $21 and I didn’t want to spend $21 on it. I know what it smells like. Maybe it’s cheaper online and we can do this again with teen classics from that time period. We’d also have to get Navy…remember Navy?

H: Oh my GOD, I can smell it right now. It was so good.

K: Navy was my favorite during that time period. 

H: Very soapy and delicious.

K: Probably some white florals. So we’ll have to do Navy, Exclamation, Electric Youth…Benetton Colors would have been the sophisticated, unattainable option. Definitely got psyched when Colors ads showed up in magazines. 

H: Estee Lauder Sunflowers?

K: Yes, good one! My mom had Elizabeth Arden Red Door during that time, which I liked but was very much a Grown Lady Scent to me. 

H: And we’ve talked about those ‘90s Gap perfumes like Grass…I have been chasing that ever since.

K: I really liked Dirt.

H: I loved Dirt! Demeter Grass is really good--it’s no Gap, but it’s great. Their Gin and Tonic is my favorite summer scent. I also like Paperback. 

::discussion of Christopher Brosius’s career::

K: You all rule. Thanks for doing Perfume Nite with me! 

Don’t forget: you can make a recommendation request for cheap perfume! I’m here for you!