Gettin' Bi

Hello again, friends! It’s nearly one hour into July in my time zone but, you know what? It’s still Pride somewhere. So, I am going to use our last issue of Pride 2020 to address the big fallacy that kept me from realizing I was “actionably bisexual” until I was 32.

That’s right, folks— we’re getting bi!

The biggest fallacy that held me back from investigating my attraction to women was believing that, if my homosexual tendencies were legitimate, there is no way I could have reached age 32 without feeling an irresistible impulse to act on those tendencies. The argument that queer people are, to quote Lady Gaga, “born this way” has huge value for advancing the cause of gay rights on the legal axis, but it can be easy to misinterpret when it comes to bisexuality (or pansexuality, or asexuality)— especially if you’re a somewhat anxious person who doesn’t like trying new things or being vulnerable. I felt like if I wasn’t SO queer that I didn't ever have to choose it, then my queerness could not be strong enough to be real. As though if my queerness was a choice, then it couldn’t “count,” it could not be more than a pose or an affectation or an excuse to wear more rainbow clothing because it looks baller on me. But those were errant, biphobic nonsense thoughts— speaking personally, I don't know if I would have ever realized my bisexuality WAS actionable without acting on it.

Because, here’s the thing: I actually experience strong, irresistible attraction to people of any gender pretty rarely. And, even when those crushes were on men and therefore easy to identify, acting on them has always been a choice for me. So the problem was never that I was insufficiently queer to justify dating women. The problem was that I expected my queerness to manifest in an entirely different and more intense way than my attraction to men ever had. Or, as I put it more pithily a couple of years ago on Twitter:

Margaret H. Willison @MrsFridayNext

I really agonized over whether I liked women _as a class_ enough to justify investigating my interest in individual women which is WYLD because I have been repelled by men _as a class_ for YEARS and that never stopped me from dating them.

Once I adjusted my perspective and stopped thinking that like THE SPIRIT OF GERTRUDE STEIN WOULD COMPEL ME, once I accepted I was just going to have to try acting on these feelings and seeing where they took me, like I had with every man I’d ever dated, recognizing my attraction to women became so much easier. It turns out, it was everywhere, and always had been.

Margaret H. Willison @MrsFridayNext

One of the wild things about realizing you're bisexual at 32 is reencountering women I just, I don't know, really CONNECTED with, to whom I felt this special ineffable attachment and being like "Oh wow yeah this is a CRUSH what I felt for you was a BIG GAY CRUSH."

I still worried, because I am a worrier, that this attraction would somehow fizzle when it came time to have actual gay sex, probably because women are taught that real female bodies are kind of gross and shameful, but guess what: it didn’t! (Female bodies! 19/10, DO recommend!) The first couple times I was a little stressed and in my head about things… the same way I always am when I’m with a new partner or (to be more accurate) trying an activity at which I cannot guarantee I will immediately excel. But physical sensation isn’t gendered. If you’ve enjoyed kissing someone of the opposite gender and you’re curious enough to want to try kissing someone of the same gender, the question of “but will I enjoy kissing still?????????” is, it turns out, gently absurd. It’s not guaranteed to be a foregone conclusion— there are definitely people who are heterosexual, but homoromantic (or vice-versa)— but the odds are in favor of exceptionally pleasurable activities continuing to be very fun regardless of the gender of the person with whom you pursue them.

So, if you’re beyond whatever arbitrary age by which you feel you “should” have known, but still find yourself wondering? I think you should try acting instead (once it no longer poses a serious public health risk!). And, if you’re feeling anxious or unsure about any of this, please know I’m always happy to talk it out with you.

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Gay Things I Recommend:

• Dickinson on Apple TV+

• The Village, season three of the CBC’s Uncover podcast

• Work in Progress

• KJ Charles’s historical romance novel, An Unseen Attraction, which I discussed on our good friends’ podcast just this week

• And Stumptown, a show that makes the best use of a bisexual lead character of any I have so far encountered, in addition exact balance of cozy and thrilling I most cherish in a detective show. The fashions aren’t quite as femme as Miss Fisher’s, but in every other way it’s the best successor to that show I can think of.

Have fun trying to decide which one of these love interests you root for more! I certainly couldn’t!!!!!

Don’t forget: rabbit rabbit, darlings. XO/Margaret