Try A Little (Media) Tenderness
With guest editors Andrew & Craig!!!
Hello, Dames Nation!
Dame Sophie searched for “gentle bros” and this result is…perfect
Your Dames are handing the reins once more to our beloved pals Andrew & Craig this week! You may remember them from such delightful back-issues as Freaky Friday Friday Fridayyyyyy and Freaky Friday 2: Still Freakin’. Or from their lovely podcast Overdue, where the cogent literary analysis and very silly goofs go hand in hand. Enjoy!
Down the Rabbit Hole
Here we goooooooooo
One of the things we miss most about hanging out in person is staying up late - long after other guests have left a party or our partners have gone to sleep - and diving down a good YouTube hole.
Now let’s be real: there are BAD YouTube holes. But we’re not here to talk about those. We want to talk about the goofs, the oddities, and the “Have you seen this??” stuff that you store up to make your buddy laugh.
Some of our favorite videos come from the world of corporate training: yes, even before Steak-umm started tweeting about What We Owe To Each Other and Old Navy filled our inboxes with emails about self care, the Brands were desperate to seem With It. These videos, designed to liven up a meeting in a cramped conference or break room, impart wisdom and jollity after folks have read through the employee handbook.
Take this Pier One Imports trainer on “Let’s” Coaching. In case you’re wondering what “Let’s” Coaching is, but RAProductions, Inc. made this helpful video.
Why do we love this video so much? Is it the jaunty horn sample? The mania with which the customer expresses her love of Pier 1’s goods? Maybe it’s the rhyme of “Arapahoe” with “Dontcha know.” MAYBE IT’S THAT AFTER 100 VIEWINGS IT’S STILL UNCLEAR WHAT “LET’S” COACHING IS?!
Two of our absolute faves come to us courtesy of Wendy’s. You’ve probably ever visited one of Dave Thomas’ establishments, on the hunt for some tasty all-white-meat nugs or trying to find the beef. But have you ever really stopped to think about how much work goes into making sure your drinks are served at the right temperature?
First: Hot Drinks IS a bop. It slaps, it bangs, it really gets you goin’. Marvin Hawkins, the singer and songwriter, is a genius. Who has ever cared so much about how fast food tea is prepared? Also Marvin Hawkins was on TV last year talking about Jubilee Cincinnati, an organization fighting for economic justice in the Queen City. Maybe check it out if you’re in that area.
The companion piece, Cold Drinks, isn’t quite as hot as Hot Drinks, but it’s still a solid imitation of music videos of the era.
We didn’t know we needed to watch a white Wendy’s manager from Ohio sing a rap about french fry preparation until we met the Fry Guy. It’s pretty bad! But we absolutely would destroy a thing of fries right now.
When we’re not getting trained to sell furniture or serve fast food, we’re trolling for commercials that make us wanna get out there and BUY something. Just a real solid commercial that definitely doesn’t leave us with any questions as to how or why it got made.
W-E-T / P-E-T-S / W-E-T / P-E-T-S - Come for the joy with which people yell “SAN PAAABLO!” Stay for once-in-a-lifetime pronunciation of “scorpy-ON.” (We regret to inform you that Wet Pets San Pablo is closed.)
Flea Market Montgomery IS just like a mini-mall. HEY HEY! “Let’s make this a dance” should be the new go-to phrase to make anything that sounds mildly annoying better. Time to wash dishes? Let’s make this - a DANCE. Paying student loan interest? Let’s make this - a DANCE!
Bad tech videos are a whole subgenre within the cringey-brand-video universe. Don’t Copy That Floppy is perhaps the best-known of these, and it’s a reminder that pre-Internet anti-piracy measures basically came down to the honor system.
Onetime Microsoft CEO (and current LA Clippers owner) Steve Ballmer is clearly playing up the used-car-salesman schtick in this video, but no one can get it this right without actually being a shady salesman in their heart of hearts. This video is also a testament to how little you needed to do to make computers seem exciting in 1986.
This weapons-grade dose of the 1990s showcases Microsoft Windows at a high point in its career and Jennifer Aniston and Matthew Perry at a low point in theirs (Serving Sara notwithstanding). The linked video is a supercut, but true fans will watch the full 56-minute tutorial in all its glory.
Today, Lotus 1-2-3 is a mostly forgotten Microsoft Office competitor. But in its heyday it was apparently a big enough deal to inspire a song-and-dance number about spreadsheets.
This introduction to the 80386 version of Windows 2.1 has, at best, a tenuous relationship to small-minded musical conventions like “rhythm” and “rhyme.” It’s also distressingly horny. Looking away is out of the question.
True, but in a good way
Craig’s Composer Corner
And a one and a two and!
I’m not a morning person. Never have been, probably never will be until and unless I have kids someday. But I have been very aware of how much I miss my morning commute. It was a chunk of time where my brain could do mostly what it wanted while my body was busy schlepping me two miles or so via bikeshare.
So each morning I’ve tried to give myself a little bit of brain space. Before I Log On for the day, I throw a composer on Spotify and let it roll while I coffee and crossword. I was a band/choir kid many years ago, which means I have an intense fondness for classical music that is matched only by my dilettantism. Picking someone different each time helps me to expand my listening repertoire while still giving me the nostalgic comfort of listening to orchestras and choirs and stuff.
Here are some composers I’ve returned to a few times over my last few weeks of listening.
Gustav Holst, for when you need to know where John Williams came from. The Planets is an iconic blend of folk tune melodies and concert hall bombast. Perfect for summoning the strength to defeat your foes (Mars) or reconciling with a long lost love (Venus).
Giovanni Pereluigi da Palestrina, for your daily dose of 16th-century Italian polyphony. I personally adore “Sicut Cervus” (the word painting in this motet!). But if you need a more well-known entry point, you can’t go wrong with the Kyrie from his Pope Marcellus Mass.
Zoë Keating, for some contemporary cello genius. Keating’s music gets used regularly in film and television, and a few minutes with her expertly-woven layers of cello should tell you why. “Sun Will Set” is a go-to whenever I need to sit and contemplate how yes, progress is always possible, even if it isn’t easy.
Nobuo Uematsu, for when you need an afternoon with one of the godfathers of video game music. If you know what a Final Fantasy or a Sephiroth is, then you’ve heard Uematsu’s work. With influences as varied as Elton John, Stravinsky, and Hendrix, he’s continually pushed the bounds of what is possible in game music. And one of the joys of listening to video game scores is finding tracks like “Terra’s Theme” (Final Fantasy VI) that work in multiple arrangements.
Max Richter, for when you need a good cry. You know that music that made you cry in Arrival? Or the music that made you cry during The Leftovers? Or the music that...you get that point. That was all Max’s doing. What a (talented) jerk.
Miles Davis and Gil Evans, for when you want to smoke an orchestral jazz cigarette. Sketches of Spain is gorgeous and expansive. Miles Ahead is alternately mournful and playful. Porgy & Bess is probably their masterpiece. I first encountered these albums in high school, and they come back into regular rotation every other year or so.
A closing aside: if you want some background music to work to and are into a “My truck broke down just outside a sleepy cryptid village in the American Southwest” vibe, may I recommend the New York-based outfit SUSS? Their unique brand of “Ambient Country” helped me write a lot of emails last week.
Andrew’s Anyone-Can-Play-Games Alcove
Tom Nook is a scammer! And yet.
Parenting a nine-month-old means living with uncertainty! And lately it’s been hard to plan for (or look forward to) anything much past bedtime. But my greatest source of joy during This Whole Thing has been the unexpected pleasure of watching several non-game-playing friends turn to my old pal Video Games as a way to ride this out.
Most of this has happened by way of Nintendo’s Animal Crossing, a warm fuzzy life simulator that you are almost certainly either playing yourself or sick of hearing about by now. By giving you near-limitless possibilities for renovating a deserted isle but forcing you to take your time about it, Animal Crossing is an opportunity to impose order upon chaos and make future plans, two things I absolutely cannot do in real life. And if you’re sick of living your social life inside a Zoom window, good news—Animal Crossing islands have played host to everything from birthday parties to marriage proposals.
Animal Crossing isn’t the only thing you can try if you’re sick of watching Netflix reruns or re-reading [insert multi-book sci-fi/fantasy series here]. Cribbing a bit from a list of chill games I put together for my day job at Wirecutter, here are some highlights that you can play on your phone, tablet, or computer without spending a bunch of extra money on a Nintendo Switch (since they are absolutely impossible to find):
Untitled Goose Game. This is maybe the only game I’ve seen excite non-gamers as much as Animal Crossing does. It’s a lovely morning in the village, and you are a horrible goose.
Dream Daddy: A Dad Dating Simulator. You are a hot single daddy who has moved to town with your teenage daughter. Get to know the other daddies in town and strike up some new friendships…or something more??
Monument Valley 1and 2. Playable Escher paintings with ambient visual and aural vibes.
Donut County. This is pretty much a weird one all-around? You play a hole that swallows up everything around it, which is rarely challenging but fun to watch. Don’t skip the “Trashopedia” descriptions for each item you swallow, which describe a milk crate as “probably the worst place to pour milk into” and a snake as “cool spaghetti with the ability to hate.”
Baba Is You. A puzzle game that lives on the opposite end of the difficulty spectrum from Donut County, where you solve the puzzles by changing the rules of the game. It will make your brain hurt but mostly in a good way? And its soundtrack is a chill beat to study to.
Some Easy TV To Shove Into Your Brain
You could use all this time to finally watch The Sopranos, but you could be forgiven for wanting to try something a little lighter. Here are some shows that are easy to watch, for when you need to throw a TV-flavored blanket over your head:
Grand Designs (1999-present): Snooty host Kevin McCloud documents the extraordinary hubris of everyday people as they build strange houses from strange materials in strange places. A smattering of seasons are available on most streaming services, which makes for a fun kind of roulette game. Will I get an episode about a lonely actor trying to will a childhood dream into existence? Or will I get one where a couple is two serious arguments away from a divorce? (That’s most of them.) (Netflix)
The Bold Type (2017-present): A group of exuberant 20-somethings work in the fashion industry. They make stupid decisions near-constantly but you love them anyway. (Prime, Hulu)
Younger (2015-present): A group of exuberant 20-somethings work in the publishing industry, except one of them is the decidedly 40-something Sutton Foster (this is a plot point, not a casting mistake). Also features Hillary Duff of Lizzie McGuire fame and The Hair of 30 Rock fame. (Prime, Hulu)
Bones (2005-2017): Surprisingly gruesome for a network crime procedural, but warm and comforting nevertheless. Zooey Deschanel’s sister Emily plays Temperance “Bones” Brennan, a bone expert who uses her bone knowledge to help the FBI solve bone crimes. Bones! Also features David Boreanaz, of Buffy and Angel fame. (Prime, Hulu)
Heroes (2006-then stop watching): Nothing ever happened on this show after the first season, where a bunch of people with superpowers spent a lot of time saying the word “hero” out loud as they chased a guy named Sylar who ate brains. They even named a guy Hiro. Save the cheerleader, save yourself the trouble of finding out what happens to the dad from This Is Us. (Prime)
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