Garbage Fires and Lovely Scents

This issue has it all

Hello, Friends. We are going to be talking about some real personal stuff here this  week, and we want to give you a heads-up about it. We’re going to be sharing stories and information about abortion, as well as links to abortion funds you can contribute to should you have spare ducats to do so. 

If that’s not stuff you can read right now, we have an actual fun thing in the mix this week, too. Scroll down to the gif of Dolly Parton swinging a lasso and the headline Introducing: Drugstore Cowgirl for a new feature where Dame Karen will be applying her expertise and advice-giving abilities to the question of “how do I smell GREAT without spending a kajillion dollars?”

Thanks for joining us — on with the show.

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HEY HOW ABOUT THE COMPLETE AND TOTAL GARBAGE FIRE THAT IS  HAPPENING AROUND REPRODUCTIVE FREEDOM IN THE US OF A????!!

A true & accurate representation of our carefree & laid-back feelings as we take a saucy bite out of that apple, which definitely had it coming. We have never heard of sarcasm.

Today, we’ll be talking about something so light and insubstantial you’ll think Your Dames have been possessed by the spirit of an angel food cake crossed with a billowy diaphanous cloud of illusion crossed with a spray of iridescent soap bubbles. *touches earpiece* Oh, sorry, I’ve got it wrong, today is a day when we once again must yell about bodily autonomy and the ability to determine exclusively for oneself when, how, and if to become a parent.

SERIOUSLY.

Why is this still a question here in the Year of Our Beloved Gay Pirates 2022? (We know why, but we’re going to ask, anyway. Make bullshit purveyors explain themselves, every time. They love to run their mouths, and they should be obliged to say out loud what their rationale is, so everyone else can hear it and rebuke that nonsensical authoritarian garbage for themselves. Also, it’s a waste of their time, which is inherently good for the rest of us.) 

Karen, The Proud Abortion Haver

I’ve never explicitly discussed my own abortion in public before, although it’s not a secret. It happened just before my 16th birthday, and at the time I didn’t know anyone else who had Been Through It. As the first person I knew who needed an abortion, I’ve always been pretty open about it because I didn’t want anyone else Going Through It to be as alone and without any sort of expectations, advice, and stories from an It Happened To Me perspective. I’ve also taken it upon myself to stop ranters mid-rant to let them know that if they think people who need abortions are murderers, sluts, selfish, irresponsible, going to hell, or any other ridiculous thing, they are talking about me, a real person, standing right before them or typing alongside them on the internet. Luckily, this tactic has usually shut people up, even if it didn’t change their minds, but I know other people haven’t had the same luck or had to/chose to stay quiet and endure an onslaught of words meant to be aimed at a nebulous cloud of godless, murdering whores or whatever but actually aimed directly at a human being who had a medical procedure. 

I also didn’t have access to any stories of people who had abortions without guilt or sorrow. Guilt and sorrow are normal, healthy, legitimate feelings that some people have, but I didn’t have them. As soon as I discovered I was pregnant, I knew I didn’t want to be and worked ridiculously hard for WEEKS to make sure I didn’t have to be, in a blue state, no less. All of the books, movies, and television shows about pregnant teens that I’d seen usually ended with a baby, a convenient miscarriage, or an even more convenient death. If there was an abortion, it was often of the illegal and dangerous variety and even if it was legal and safe, the person who got it was filled with shame, a sense of having sinned, and/or the need to inflict self-punishment. It was as if feeling bad was the admission fee necessary to get to the privilege of living through the ordeal and moving on. Meanwhile, the only crying I did was over the hurdles I had to jump through in order to get the care I needed, all the while surreptitiously eating saltines in 10th grade social studies and trying not to throw up.

Today, there are examples in popular culture of people of all ages getting abortions without putting themselves through extra, punishing trials and tribulations, although they’re not usually found in the mainstream. [Know of any? Put ‘em below!] The movies Grandma and Obvious Child were balms to my very soul, not only because they normalized needing an abortion but they were also comedies! People can get abortions and still laugh and thrive and feel good about themselves and their decision. I didn’t know that when it happened to me; I wondered if I WAS actually a monster because I felt nothing but relief and gratitude for the chance to not have a baby and move on with my life. I also smile every time people say they are actually pro-abortion and/or that they had an abortion not because they or the fetus were unhealthy, or because they were too poor, or they were sexually assaulted, or in an abusive relationship, or already had as many children as they want. They just didn’t want to carry a pregnancy to term and give birth. That was me. It remains me and remains my right and anyone else’s right regardless of what the Supreme Court or anyone else has to say about it. That is a legitimate reason to have an abortion, and I wish I’d known that 30 years ago.

You don’t need our approval, but we are going to validate the everloving heck out of you and your life choices! Hope that’s ok!!

Sophie’s Eventual Embrace of Being Pro-Abortion

For a long time, I embraced the logically creaky belief that abortion should be safe, legal, and rare. I believed steadfastly in being pro-choice, but I also thought that abortion wasn’t ever going to be for me, even after spending many Saturday mornings in my high school years volunteering as one brick in a human wall blocking patients from view and verbal (and sometimes graphic) abuse by anti-abortion protestors who’d come to spend their time screaming at fellow human beings seeking medical care. Any reason they had to seek an abortion was valid as far as I was concerned, but for me? I thought, “well, theoretically, sure, but I’ll just make sure it doesn’t come to that.” Ah, magical thinking!

I remember being genuinely shocked when a college friend described herself as pro-abortion, and then went on to say that being pro-choice was impossible, that the real distinction was between being anti-abortion and pro-abortion –  if you weren’t anti-abortion, by definition you must be pro-abortion. I didn’t agree, but her casually emphatic, classic late-night intense dorm room comment stuck with me for years. 

It wasn’t until well after giving birth to the planned, desired, beloved baby I had wanted since childhood, that I realized I’d come around to being pro-abortion – not just for others, but for me, as well. It’s always been so much easier for me to think someone else’s reason for doing something is valid, while putting myself through the wringer about it. 

Some of the change had to do with how shockingly little bodily autonomy I had during a long, exhausting labor that ultimately resulted in an emergency c-section. One day I might be able to fully articulate how bizarre it feels to be in the grip of this emotionally and physically intense process  — I was bringing another person, one who I had made inside my own body, into this world! It’s a truly wild commonplace! It hurt a lot, but that was mostly ok! — while also feeling like I’d somehow, without intending to or being aware of it, bid a final farewell to ever again making my own decisions about my body and my baby. I couldn’t deal with any of that at a conscious level for ages afterwards, but it was there, a little splinter in my mind that eventually worked its way to the surface. Nobody who doesn’t want, way deep in their bones, to be pregnant should ever be obliged to do it. 

It wasn’t just one thing, though. Some of the change was related to the warring feelings of wanting to have another baby but also being terrified of what would happen to me —  my mind, my ambitions, my relationship with my husband — upon becoming a mother of two. Some of it was recalling my grandmother telling me about how she – a nurse who was by then a mother of four – had had an abortion in the late 50s after convincing a friendly and understanding doctor to provide one therapeutically. Having actual reproductive choices before me, and thinking about them in the context of my full, entire being and life was a very different experience from thinking about them as hypotheticals.

I don’t for one minute think any of the above is unique or special, and I don’t congratulate myself for it. I mostly consider my former views to be understandably immature; the thoughts of a young and privileged person who needed more life experience to change her mind. And mostly I use that understanding to try to extend some thought-grace towards others who might not consider themselves pro-abortion today, but who might let the seed of that idea take tentative root in their minds. 

Good Talk, Friends! So What Do We Do Now?

Whew, well! Let’s talk for a moment about how feeling overwhelmed by a dreaded event, even one many of us have been grimly anticipating for years now, can make us seize up. Let’s breathe through that for a moment, and then use those breaths to unlock our mental gears and do what we can. 

Ok, so! First of all, abortion is still legal in the US. The leaked draft Supreme Court decision is just that: a draft. Even if the opinion they actually hand down in late June is word-for-word the same thing as we saw this week, that’s still over a month away. Urgency PLUS breathing room of an estimate-able length is helpful!

Here’s a ”what do we do now???” thread, with a special focus on Texas, but very broadly useful, including links for educating yourself and others about how to access abortion care, self-managed abortion, and helpful ways of talking about our current situation that may be new to you.

Another very bracing thread, which focuses on the importance of making an abortion plan now – yes, even if you live in a state like New Jersey, where we are in pretty good shape legally. Waiting now can lead to unwanted delays later. Future You and Future Your Friends and Acquaintances all deserve fewer headaches and stressors.

And this thread, which goes into much more detail regarding safe, self-managed abortion. I learned a LOT from this one.

Finally, the National Network of Abortion Funds has been doing vital work for years helping people get the abortion care they need in every state. Find out about your state (or a neighboring state’s) abortion fund to learn what services they provide and how you can help. If a financial contribution isn’t feasible for you, being informed only costs time, and sharing good information widely is a concrete help. 

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Introducing: Drugstore Cowgirl 

Here we debut a new feature, in which Dame Karen answers reader queries about how to smell amazing without spending a zillion dollars. It’s alarmingly easy to talk oneself into overspending to smell so good that you want to make out with your own wrist, but if we can spend less to smell just as good, why wouldn’t we??

The debut edition of Drugstore Cowgirl is for everyone to enjoy! Future issues will be a subscriber perk! Spritz, spritz! Let’s do this!

Dame Sophie’s Inaugural Perfume Query:

Like many folks who hang out on Twitter, I’m devoted to Rachel Syme’s occasional Perfume Genie service, where she invites us to submit a perfume recommendation request. I rarely submit a request of my own, but I do pore over the requests of others and buy a few samples from those that look especially promising. 

It’s such an easy, dopamine-hitting way to have a little indulgence at a minimal price. Which is great! But when I find a fragrance I love, the thought of shelling out $100 (or considerably more, ahahahhaboohoo) on a full-sized bottle is too much. I could just keep on buying samples, and for some fragrances, that’s the best option, but let’s see what Dame Karen suggests. Options! We love them!

Here’s what I’m looking for:

• Lily of the valley is one of my all-time favorite notes –  the freshness & delicacy, that light spring rain-infused dewiness, with maybe a hint of the soil & decomposition that makes it possible? It’s not all shy little blossoms. Dirt is there, too!

• I like more traditionally masculine base notes like tobacco, patchouli, and woodsmoke, and am totally open to other floral, woody, and peppery notes. Some oriental (eeesh I wish we’d retire that term) notes are fine, too, as long as they’re not cloying or heavy

• No other gourmand notes, please: no vanilla, no fruity anything, no wine, no chocolate, none of it

• Some fragrances I love: Viper Green, Privet Bloom, L’air Barbes, and Tabac Tabou (juuust a shade too sweet for me to wear it as frequently as I’d like to but still excellent)

The Drugstore Cowgirl Says:

I got you, but of course it’s slightly complicated. My first thought was this perfume from Zara. Zara’s fast fashion situation is of course tempting and dicey as any other, but to make it even more tangled, they make some damn good perfume at a very reasonable price. The unfortunate thing is that fast fashion perfumes tend to come and go and these days their window of availability shuts even more rapidly than ever. How many of us still mourn the loss of Gap’s incredible late ‘90s/early ‘00s perfumes? (All my fellow Earth loving folks I see you and the joy of discovering an inexpensive spice-n-dirt unisex scent at a time when those were still few and far between.) ANYWAY, I think the mysteriously named WDS 002/VKL would suit your needs to a T but of course it’s not for sale via Zara anymore. There’s some available on eBay and Mercari at relatively reasonable prices, but those sites always drive up costs.

Another idea I had is to layer. Right now I’m reading the absolutely wonderful book The Perfect Scent: A Year Inside The Perfume Industry in Paris and New York, by Chandler Burr, who among other things was the scent critic for The New York Times and founder of the Department of Olfactory Art at the Museum of Art and Design. One of the story lines in The Perfect Scent focuses on the development of Sarah Jessica Parker’s first perfume, Lovely. SJP is a genuine frag freak and served as creative director during the formulation of Lovely--most celebs who put their name on a perfume actually have nothing to do with developing it. She originally wanted to recreate her own signature scent, which is a combination of the very cheap Coty Skin Musk, the very expensive Comme des Garcons Avignon, and a mysterious Egyptian Musk oil she bought on the street, but it was deemed too dark and masculine for a debut celebrity fragrance. The end result ended up being Lovely, and it has that woody, musky base along with some citrus [which I think of as being different than fruity--hope that’s ok!] and floral top and mid-notes. I have the body spray, which I picked up from TJ Maxx for $8. It smells wonderful and lasts a surprisingly long time and I think it would pair well with a topping of a straight-up lily of the valley scent. The Crabtree and Evelyn one I’m familiar with apparently no longer exists but I bet good old Yardley is a safe bet.

Dame Sophie has her marching and shopping orders and could not be more delighted with these options!

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